Hey guys. Let’s get comfortable. There’s something we should probably talk about: masturbation.
Getting off solo has recently gone from a thing you might emphatically lie about to your friends to a heroic pursuit in the fight against a global pandemic. Well, OK, fine—maybe it’s not that extreme. But it is a small, helpful measure that only asks you stay home, queue up that one episode of Fleabag—you know the one—and get down to business. Or… maybe that’s just my Tuesday night? While I didn’t become a vibrator connoisseur out of general goodwill, I will absolutely take that excuse for having spent several hundreds of dollars on masturbation and run with it. To very loosely paraphrase Ali Wong, the way you get off is bespoke to you, so my vibrator preferences might be very different to yours. But because you can’t exactly take a vibe out for a spin and then return it if it doesn’t quite fit, I’ve reviewed all the ones I’ve got. You know, for science. And public health. If you’d like to join me in my oh-no!-solo-O pursuit, here’s where to start.
They say you always remember your first. For me, and if you’re not counting hand-held shower faucets, it’s the Lelo Mona. I bought it my freshman year of college at the recommendation of a very kind Babeland employee, and here’s why. I wanted something powerful and sturdy, and that would last for years to come. (The battery on some vibrators give out relatively quickly, but five years and a good amount of gentle, scent-free soap later and this one’s still going strong.) And I also wanted something versatile, so I could figure out what I liked when I was just starting out. This one’s good for external or internal play, while the others on this list can’t be used internally. And the curved shape means it hits just the right spot when you do want to use it that way. They also make a rabbit version, which has a little extra part on the outside for simultaneous clitoral stimulation, but I opted for the wand to give me more options. It has lots of speeds, rhythms, and strengths, so you can play around with what you like best.
The One That Feels Fancy: Crave Vesper
The vibrator I love so much I bought it twice and then wrote it a virtual love letter. Just because we’re talking about beating it doesn’t mean I’ve got to beat a dead horse here, but I’ll give you a quick recap anyway. Basically, it’s the smallest-but-mightiest vibe I’ve ever had the pleasure of using, and when you’re done, you can clean it and screw (haha, screw) it onto the chain it comes with and wear it as a necklace. It’s beautiful, it works—we have no choice but to stan.
The One To Buy If You’re Sensitive: Dame Eva 2
Otherwise known as the optimistic purchase, because the Eva was designed by women for hands-free use with a partner. Look, this is all going to end eventually. It has to! And then you’ll be able to make your party of one a party of two—or, I guess, however many you want. I don’t judge! Anyway, for now, the Eva is a great choice for when you know you want something gentle. It’s also a good choice for the chronically lazy. It’s a little egg-shaped thing with “wings” that tuck in at the top of your vulva, so you can just lie there and let the orgasm happen to you if that’s your speed. Or, get creative! Grab a dildo, or your fingers, and give multitasking at home a new meaning. What’s important to know either way is that the motor in the Eva just isn’t as strong as the others on this list, so it’s not going to shake and rumble like other options. Which, maybe, works for you!
If a vibrator doesn’t vibrate can it still technically be called a vibrator? Methinks yes, hence the Lelo Sona’s inclusion on this list. It’s part of a new generation of vibrators (other versions include the Satisfyer and nauseatingly-monikered Womanizer) that’s supposed to mimic oral sex which. I wouldn’t say the sensation’s spot on, but I suppose it’s just possible that everyone I’ve ever been with is doing oral sex wrong and I’m really exposing them and myself here. Instead of vibration, the Lelo Sona uses a combination of suction and SOUND WAVES (cool, right?!) for intense, body-shaking pulses. I have to say, sometimes this is… too intense for me, personally, even on the lowest setting. It’s also supposed to automatically adjust based on how hard you press it to your body, which I haven’t quite gotten the hang of. But if you’re looking for something quick and powerful, this one’s your girl. Just keep in mind that it’s pretty loud—you’ve been warned.
You’re not going to find this vibe in your friendly neighborhood sex shop. That’s because Kiki de Montparnasse is mainly a line of very beautiful, expensive lingerie (please see exhibits A and B, which I will happily and graciously accept as gifts from any secret online admirers). Instead, you can find the vibrator on their site under “accessories”—I don’t know what kind of energy calling a vibrator an accessory is, but it’s definitely a mood. The Flexi vibe is a soft, ehem, flexible vibrator that comfortably fits in the palm of your hand and comes to a point at the top for targeted perpendicular action. You can use it with a partner, but it’s also definitely strong enough to use on your own and get the job done. I’d say it’s comparable to the Vesper in power, but the shape and material might be more comfortable than a small metal wand. It also comes in a chic, satin bag and case that looks like it might house some expensive sunglasses, or something.
That’s everything I have right now, but I’m always looking for new suggestions. Got any more I should add to cart right now? Go on and share ‘em. This is a safe space—I showed you mine, it’s only fair to show me yours.
—Ali Oshinsky
Photo via Getty
